Fathers are celebrated today. I know so many amazing fathers: high-fives to you. Thank you for being there for your children. I hope your day was full and that you made great memories. Hug your dads! Take photos with your children. Tell them that you love them. Hug them extra tight for me. I do not begrudge anyone for having an amazing day. We are just in a different place. We are not celebrating on this day. We are reflecting. We are surviving. We are pushing through until tomorrow. Father’s Day will never be he same for our house.
Today was a hard day. It is Father’s Day. We spent it fatherless. Mr. Loco is missed every day but today it just hit home really hard. He will never open a macaroni necklace handmade by Baby Loco or sport a horrible tie or have breakfast in bed kid-style with a bad cup of coffee that he has to choke down with a smile. That makes me cry. You may not know that Mr. Loco also grew up without his father. He was killed by a drunk driver when Mr. Loco was three years old. More than anything, Mr. Loco wanted to be present in Baby Loco’s life. He wanted to give her what he did not have growing up, a dad. It makes me extra sad to type this. I wanted this so badly as well. I grew up without my father present in my daily life. We were looking forward to being Team Loco for our babies. Now, I need to navigate this new territory of parenting for two. The thought can be heavy at times. This is not a choice. I waited to have children. This however is the hand we have been dealt. I see lots of people comment about moms being moms and dads. That is not what I am mean when I say, “Parent for two”. I am her mom. Her dad was amazing. When I think of parenting for two, I think of including things that were important to Mr. Loco, teaching Baby Loco things that he wanted to teach her, giving her a strong sense of who he was…I have to do the job that the two of us were intending on doing together. I know what our end goal was and I will move forward loving on Baby Loco and giving her the tools to be the best Baby Loco she can be.
Mr. Loco loved being a father so very much. He savored all of his time with Baby Loco. He had an ease and confidence with Baby Loco from the moment she was born. He was Daddy. He found his own groove to calm her and get her to fall asleep. He had his own set of songs that he sang to her. They had their own games. (Spinning games that make me nauseous just thinking about them!) Mr. Loco was never trying to “fill in for me” or “do what I do”. He was a father and he had his own bag of tricks and his own groove. I really appreciated that about him. He parented much like he lived life: He was present in the moment. He had fun. He was all in. We learned from each other.
I just tucked Baby Loco in and decided to write the post that has been bouncing around in my head all week. I knew this day was coming. I tried to make plans of things to do. I didn’t know how hard the day would be. I knew I just needed to wake up and see what happened. Like all things, I would just need to roll with it. Baby Loco will not remember this Father’s Day at 20 months. She will not remember the only Father’s Day she got to spend with her daddy at 8 months. We spent that day in the hospital dealing with a GBS relapse. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day were both spent in the hospital. Today was supposed to be a do over for Mr. Loco.
So, Father’s Day without Mr. Loco…yeah, it sucks. I read all of the Father’s Day posts in my Facebook stream and thought about what we would have done with Mr. Loco today. I try not to dwell too much on the “what if he were here” because when the daydream is over, IT SUCKS! I try to focus on the happy memories that we did make. I try to appreciate the amazing time spent together and the memories we will forever have. Today I thought about how Mr. Loco would calm Baby Loco down by walking around the house while he bounced her and sang the theme song to Firefly or Landslide by Fleetwood Mac. Today I thought about how Mr. Loco would quickly grab the baby carrier from me and say, “You get to wear her all the time. It’s my turn on the weekend.” I have photos of Mr. Loco babywearing while playing video games, while hiking, and in the comic book store. Today I thought about how Mr. Loco would have these funny little conversations with Baby Loco as he explained some complex computer issue or political issue. He loved Baby Loco. He was a proud papa.
So how did we survive Father’s Day:
We didn’t leave the house and stayed in our jammies all day. We didn’t answer the phone. I didn’t put my contacts in. I brushed my hair for the pizza guy….that is about it. The thought of Skyping with people was too much. The thought of chatting with people on the phone made me start to tear up before dialing. I have some thoughtful friends and the text messages were wonderful. I could tear up and didn’t have to try to form a reply in person while blubbering. Thank you to everyone who was thoughtful and sent messages. I appreciate each of you. We did hide out from the world for the most part. Stay tuned. We will be back in action soon enough.
We talked about Mr. Loco today. We looked at pictures. Someone made us a nice little Shutterfly album that tells our story. Baby Loco LOVES it. She pulls it off the shelf quite often and says “dada” and sits in my lap and I read it to her. Thank you, to whoever made it for us. She loves it.
We blew bubbles.
We played in the sink.
We danced to music.
We talked about Mr. Loco. I told a few stories while Ruby looked at our photo blanket.
We ate pizza because it is Sunday and that is a Loco family tradition.
We read books. We read some more books. We read a few more books. The girl is definitely the daughter of a librarian. The other day we read 16 different titles. (Some of them multiple times) Mr. Loco read Baby Loco lots of stories. When he had a broken ankle and was stuck on the couch or in bed, they read stories and played together.
I watched a documentary because that is something we would have enjoyed doing together. I didn’t think about how everything has changed as far as what I will watch and what I will read. I used to love a great romantic comedy. It is a good thing that I love documentaries. They are really my safe zones. I can pick a topic that I know while likely avoid a budding romance or other topics that may make me burst into tears. There were items on the Netflix list and books on my to read list that I just scratched off. There is no way. I am currently watching Monarchy. There are two seasons on Netflix. Politics is a safe choice.
Today, there were tears, there was laughter, there was sadness mixed in with baby giggles. We made it through. We took a bath. We have fresh pajamas on. Tomorrow is a new day and we will continue grieving Mr. Loco but for tonight we try to rest.
It will take us time to figure out what Father’s Day means in our house and how we spend this day. For now, it is full of reflection for me on what a great daddy Baby Loco had in Mr. Loco and what a great loss our family has suffered. As I go to sleep, I will think all of the happy thoughts I can of Mr. Loco. He loved us so very much. I wish I could put into words how loved I felt and how much he loved Baby Loco. Love oozed out of his pores. I have never felt so much love from a person. This is probably why I was head over heels in love and why after years, that feeling never dissipated. The love in this family was crazy-strong. It still is crazy-strong. That love is what is going to carry us.