Six Months

facebook cover shotIt has been six months since Mr Loco died. SIX MONTHS. His absence is deafening. The sadness is epic. There is no normal. I cry a lot.  I feel very alone. The term SUCKS still applies to most aspects of my life. For the past six months I have pulled back from so many things that were a part of our life as we grieve. I have pulled back from information that is not related to the major issues at hand. It takes all of my energy to parent little miss Baby Loco and deal with the giant to do list of things still on my plate.

I have been trying to focus on making plans for the next few months. I know the next few months may be hard with all of the holidays- my birthday, Baby Loco’s birthday, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Day of the Dead, Christmas and New Year’s Eve.  Mr Loco and holidays went hand in hand with fun. We rocked Halloween. We loved entertaining on Thanksgiving. We were coming up with fun traditions for Christmas. We enjoyed a low-key New Year’s Eve. OK, I KNOW the next few months are going to be REALLY hard. All of those holidays will just be pulling us closer to the one year anniversary. So, I have been planning and scheming. Stay tuned for some good stuff, at least I hope it is good stuff. I have been making lists. I have been making plans to keep us busy, to create memories, to put in place traditions. Zoo classes, nights at the museum, festivals, parades, Pinterest holiday activities, you name it.

Part of my plotting and scheming included making a Facebook page in memory of Mr Loco and to put the Loco family motto into action. I started the Be Excellent Project. Mr Loco loved to volunteer. He loved to do little things like buy drinks for the people in line behind us at Starbucks. He liked to help people when they were in need. He liked to donate to organizations that supported things we were passionate about. He volunteered for years and years. I am talking thousands of hours. He was just an all-around good person. He tried to live the words Be Excellent To Each Other. I hope that people take time to be excellent to each other in his memory. He would be proud of people doing good work simply because it should be done. I have some special plans for November and December, so more to follow. For now, feel free to share.

I made a donation to NPR the other day because that was our September donation on our list of Clark Family Causes. After I made the donation I started thinking about six months. Six months have gone by. Babies have been born. People have gotten married. People have moved away. Tragedies have occurred. Great moments have taken place. Progress has been made. I am sort of clueless. I am in my bubble just trying to survive day-to-day. The only thing I am current on is who took what quiz on Facebook and what books they like. OK even that doesn’t stick in my head.  I have been connected yet very disconnected for six months.

It has been six months and I have not watched a movie. I could not tell you what movies are in theaters. I could not tell you what movies have been released. I could not name a single movie I am waiting to watch. I simply have no clue. It is like months of pop culture have vanished and I have no desire to fill in the blanks.  Entire genres are just a no-go for me now. I can’t do romance. I can’t do sad. I can’t do crime. I get anxious thinking that there could be some plot twist that will pull the rug out from under me at any moment. I cry enough in real life, I don’t need fictional characters inducing tears.

It has been six months and I have not read a book. (minus the stacks and stacks of picture books Baby Loco and I have shared) I have not read a book for myself. I have no clue what is on the best seller list. I do not have a single item on hold at the library. In fact, I think my library card may have expired. I have no reading wish list.I have no clue what children’s books have come out this year. I really have no clue where to even start. I was a librarian for 10 years and I haven’t read a book in six months. That is like a lifetime for a librarian yet I have no desire to read. The bulk of my reading was in children’s and teen. Just knowing that a huge bulk of children’s fiction starts with the death of parents, turns me off to the idea of reading. Desire to read? None. Not an ounce of desire for a good book. I wonder how long that will last.

It has been six months and I have not listened to the news and I have not kept up on current events. I haven’t read any of the sources I normally keep current on a daily basis. I know a few things that have happened thanks to Facebook. The few things I know about are focused in the U. S. Globally, I have no clue what has been going on. Back to that donation made to NPR. That donation is what really got me thinking.  It has been six months.

It has been six months and Baby Loco still babbles about her Dada on a regular basis. I am glad. She likes to color and have me write words. I start with her name and then she asks me to write Mama and Dada. She likes to point to Mama and point to me. She points to Dada and then finds a picture of him. She points to my tattoo of his handwriting on my wrist and I will read it to her and she will babble about her Dada. I still tear up every time.

It has been six months but my heart still feels like it was yesterday. It has been six months but it still feels so unfair. It has been six months. It has been six long months. It has been six quick months. It has been six months of support from wonderful people. It has been six months of feeling the most alone I have ever felt. It has been six months of drowning my sorrows in ice cream. It has been six months and there are so many months to go. So very many months.

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5 thoughts on “Six Months

  1. Good morning Mrs . Loco,

    I am a friend of Diane Petersen. I have been following your blog for a few months. My heart is broken for you and Baby Loco. I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain and suffering. I teach middle school students. I just wanted to let you know that when I set up my classroom last month, I implemented Be Excellent to Each Other as part of our daily culture. I say this to the kids, I have it posted on the wall, we talk about what it means.
    I just wanted to let you know that your precious husband lives on.

  2. I felt so much reading your recent post. I did not realize how much of the same I did when I lost my own husband. I could not listen to music for a long time, it would cause me to just totally break down.For a long time, when I heard of a new book or movie he would like, or even when a celebrity he liked passed away,how he didn’t get to experience it. Tv shows that I watched before, I still have not picked up again almost 7 years later. 7 years, that sounds so long, and it reminds me of something I said to my therapist in those first 6 months, “I feel sad each day that passes, because each day is a day farther from one spent with Nathan”. Thank you for sharing, and I am so glad for you that Ruby got to know him for the time she did, my own daughter was only 4 weeks old when her father passed, and sometimes I do feel disappointed that she never knew first hand what an amazing person he was. Aside from those thoughts, it is great you were able to have the time you did with him, and nothing takes that away. The hurt is terrible, but I know how the memories are something to be happy about forever.

  3. There is nothing wrong with what you are feeling. I think it’s excellent you are writing too. Thinking of you and that sweet baby. I hate to say this, but every time I see a pic of her, it looks so much like her daddy. I can’t even image how you feel when you look at her.

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