Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am the strongest woman I know. I have to remind myself that I kick ass and take names. This past year was the hardest ever and we are still standing.Grief is always there just under the surface and you are always dealing with it- in each moment, with each breath. Why do I have to remind myself that I am strong? Because even after a year, grief just smacks you right in the face on a regular basis. You are quietly going about your business and SMACK it hits you.
You see a dad with his daughter. BAM!
You see an old couple holding hands. SMACK!
You have to explain something to a stranger and it requires you to mention his death. POW!
Someone tells you that you make such beautiful babies and it would be a shame not to have more. OUCH!
There is no moving on. There is no getting over it. There is just sitting with it, in it, and wading through it. I am strong because I am wading through.
I have a list of 100 things I want to do in 2015. I have to write them down because my brain is so disorganized. They range from easy-peasy to complicated. One of those things was tackling our computer network at home. I finally got into it. I was feeling proud of taking care of this big thing on my to do list when I stumbled across a video or Mr Loco and Baby Loco at storytime at the library. We went to the evening storytime every month as a family. There was Mr Loco singing the Wheels on the Bus to Baby Loco. We were such a happy little crew. Baby Loco and I were just at storytime about two hours before.
I went from feeling accomplished and proud of myself to BAM, having grief punch my in the face. Tears were streaming down my face pretty quickly. There he was, so perfect, so alive. That spun the day into a different direction.
I tend to cry quietly in the car on those days. It seems like a safe place to cry. Baby Loco is facing the opposite direction so she can’t see me. I can play music for her and give myself a moment to pull it together. This time I was mumbling to myself and Baby Loco said “Me miss daddy too. Me sad too.” My poor sweet girl. While we drove home from swim class we talked about daddy. We talked about how I missed Daddy too. We talked about how much he loved her. We talked about how she made him smile. We talked about things he enjoyed like swimming and cooking us breakfast. Our conversation devolved into how she has blue eyes and so did daddy and that my eyes are brown and that quickly turned to poop being brown. Poop is a big topic of conversation in our house and this made me laugh really hard. You never know where a conversation is going to go with a two year old. I cried. I laughed. I gave our sweet girl a big hug.
Baby Loco has been talking about who loves her a lot lately and she always says “Dada love me”. I know those words would have melted him just like the first time she signed Dada and the first time she said Dada to him. Mr Loco comes up in conversation a lot but the last few days we have taken time to look at pictures and videos so we could feel the Dada love.
I remind myself that even during the rough spots, I am still a pretty kick-ass mom. I took the opportunity that presented itself and I talked openly. Then I filled the next few days with things that honor Mr Loco. After bath, I picked her jammies with the stars on them. Starstuff always makes me think of Mr Loco. We woke up the next morning and made pancakes.
Mr Loco loved to make breakfast for us. I love to make us breakfast now and talk about Mr Loco. My lumpy pancakes have been replaced with nice fluffy pancakes. Baby Loco loves to mix the batter and flip the pancakes. We also went to the Children’s Museum. This was another place that Mr Loco loved going with Baby Loco. They always had fun. The museum was actually our “date night” plan on the day of Mr Loco’s accident. Our last conversation was about our hot date-night as we got ready to head out for work. I love you’s and kisses were exchanged with the plan to see each other in a few hours for a family fun night. I think of that every time I go to the children’s museum.
Tomorrow we plan on going for a hike which was something we all loved doing. (More on that later. I have a blog post started that I just can’t seem to finish) Baby Loco has been wearing his hiking hat around the house.
This week has been full of lots of those little jabs. The point is grief is going to keep hitting me in the face. It isn’t going to be pretty but I am going to keep doing my best to remember Mr Loco and hang on to all of the happy and good times while still feeling all of the sad and lonely ones. I am going to remember his easy laugh and how he loved us so much. I am going to cry when I need to and tell stories and say his name out loud. I am going to tell Baby Loco all about her daddy. I’m going to watch that video of the two of them at storytime and smile at the way he sings to her and how they smile together. My loves. My two loves. I will wade through for them. Someone has to make dinner and do the laundry and pay the bills….someone has to keep his memory alive and share his love and do excellent things. I will be strong.